When Dad says he does not need help
How to raise the idea of a weekly companion with a parent who says they are fine, and how the free meet-and-greet does the persuading for you.
Most parents who say they do not need help are telling the truth as they see it: they can manage. Companionship is not help in the way they mean it. Nobody does anything to them or for them; a person they choose comes on a day they choose to do things they enjoy. The way in is to stop talking about help and start talking about company, to let them meet the companion before deciding anything, and to make it clear they can say no. A parent who has met the person rather than the idea is far more likely to say yes.
Why "help" is the wrong word
When a parent says they do not need help, they are usually right by their own definition. They can still wash, dress, cook and get to the shops. What they may not say is that the days are long, that nobody has asked them a question since Sunday, and that the walk they used to take has quietly stopped. Age UK's research found that around 940,000 people over 65 in the UK are often lonely, and most of them would also tell you they are managing.
"Help" implies that something is wrong with them. Company implies that something is missing from the week, which is a different and far easier thing to admit.
Start with the thing they miss
The conversation goes better when it is about something specific rather than about them.
- "You used to love the market on a Wednesday. Would you go if someone went with you?"
- "You said the choir stopped after your hip. What if someone came the first couple of times?"
- "I hate that you're on your own all afternoon on a Tuesday. What if someone came for a cup of tea and a game of cards?"
Each of those is an invitation to do something they enjoy, with someone. None of them is an assessment of whether they can cope.
Let them meet the person, not the idea
An idea is easy to refuse. A person is harder. That is why Whitegreen's meet-and-greet is free and comes before anything is booked: the companion we have in mind comes to the house with us, you all sit down, and the two of them talk. A shared hometown, a trade, a football team or a taste in music does more in twenty minutes than any amount of persuasion beforehand.
Tell your parent exactly that. "Meet her once. If you don't like her, that's the end of it." Then keep your word.
Make the visits theirs
A parent who feels something is being done to them will resist it. A parent who is choosing will not.
- They choose the day and the time.
- They choose what the first visit is: a coffee, a walk, a game of cards, the shopping.
- They meet the companion first and can ask for someone else.
- They can stop, on a week's notice, without giving a reason.
- The note to the family after each visit is shared by agreement with them, and they can see what it says.
Say all of that out loud before the meet-and-greet. It changes the conversation from "I've arranged someone for you" to "would you like to meet someone".
If it is still a no
Leave it and come back to it. Some parents need to hear it from somebody who is not their child: a friend who has a companion, a neighbour, the GP, a link worker, a faith leader. Sometimes the right moment is after a bad week rather than a good one. The meet-and-greet can be arranged at short notice when they are ready, and there is no cost to waiting.
What tends not to work is arranging visits without them and presenting it as done. The companion arrives to a closed door, or a polite hour that is never repeated.
When it is not really about pride
Occasionally the refusal is about something else: money worries, embarrassment about the state of the house, a fear that accepting anything is the start of a slope towards a care home. Each of those has an answer. The price is published and modest, and Attendance Allowance often covers it. The companion is there for the person, not to inspect the house, and will happily help with the small jobs if asked. And companionship is the opposite of a slope: it is what keeps someone going out, eating properly and connected, which is what keeps them at home.
If you would like to talk any of this through before you raise it with your parent, ring us. The first conversation is about them, and it costs nothing.
Common questions
How do I bring it up without a row?
Do not frame it as help or care. Talk about the specific thing they miss: the walk they used to take, the market on a Wednesday, the club they stopped going to. Then suggest meeting someone who could go with them, once, with no commitment.
What if they refuse to meet anyone?
Leave it, and come back to it. Sometimes it lands better from a friend, a neighbour, the GP or a link worker than from a son or daughter. The meet-and-greet is free and can be arranged at short notice when they are ready.
Can they say no after the meet-and-greet?
Yes, and nothing is charged. They can also ask for a different companion, or try one visit and then decide.
Should I arrange it and tell them afterwards?
No. The visits are theirs, and a companion turning up unannounced starts everything on the wrong foot. Involve them in choosing the day, the length and what the first visit will be.
Sources
Every figure above comes from one of these. If one has moved or changed, tell us and we will correct the guide.
Start with a conversation
Tell us who the visits are for and what they enjoy. We will ring you back the same day, and arrange a free meet-and-greet at home with the companion we have in mind. Nothing is charged until you have met them and said yes.